went to go visit college that i wanna go to for the first time today. its so pretty there. m so excited and happy.

i worry so much about everything. i wish i had more faith in the universe but all of my worries are so depe in my bones that htey won't leave. it sucks

;_; lol sad today. i dont have much to say to be honest. sometimes i feel like im only really ever observing the world and im not actively a part of it. i think thats why i dont really care abt my impressions on others. because i dont even feel like a person in the shared consciousness that everyone else shares. i never really feel in place. i want to feel in place though its just hard. i dont know!! ive gotten better at it though with a few of my friends lol :) i feel less robotic when i talk to them! so its nice. i guess i will just focus on that and wait until it naturally spreads into my life. i think im just scared of people thinking im a freak. but i shouldnt care i guess.

it was so warm today :( hated it. i love warmer weather generally, but i do not like the fact that i have 0 air conditioning. it just feels gross inside my house.

ive been thinking a lot recently abt this blog. im happy i started it. i kinda proved to myself that im able to set up this type of habit. its technically kind of just like a public journal anyway. but recently, theres been things i wanna talk about that i cant bc... i made it very public and idk i dont wanna publically name ppl and stuff. ive been kind of suppressing myself with stuff i wanna say because it includes others n stuff, and idk. just private information lol. which like, no ones viewing this but its still kind of scary to put stuff like that on the internet lmfao, bc it STAYS FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :0

idk. so ive been thinking that im going to stop writing here. which is sad bc :( i rly enjoyed going on here everyday. idk! it just makes me rly happy. n its gonna remind me of happy times and stuff. but idk, i wanna move on to make my own little private journal. but i wish i didnt hav to lol :( but i do wanna get deeper in my journalling and stuff. doing it has done so much good for me. i feel like my own person now. i dont feel like a flying blob without purpose, i actually feel like. very anchored to my sense of self. and i catch myself now when im doing something that isnt good for me. i dont know. i guess something ive noticed from these blogs is how much stuff i do completely against my values. i force myself to do things to feel a certain emotion, like loved, or wanted, when i shouldnt be searching for that at all if its not from myself. i lack a lot of close platonic relationships, so i kind of just. latch onto people who wanna fuck me very easily lol. which isnt bad i guess :) i love meeting people and stuff, but i dont know. i wish i had just more regular friends. my friendships with people just get so strange.

i guess thats another thing i notice. i dont hold boundaries with people very seriously at all. i kind of let people just do whatever they want to me, which is really gay. i have to have more respect for myself. choosing better options is also choosing respect for myself and stuff. there are a few people in my life who i think are super selfish, and my friends consistently warn me about them, but i just continue choosing to do dumb choices which don't benefit me at all.

i need to start realizing that i am a person who can also be pleased. whenever i feel like i can't please someone, i just want to hurt myself or think im worth nothing. even in situations in the past where i've been... absolutely psychotic, its always been because i feel like i cant be good enough for the other person so i should just kill myself.

i still struggle with that thinking honestly. to a lesser extent of course, i dont threaten to kill myself or act absolutely fucking deranged anymore (thank GOD), but idk. i get sad when i think about how "useless" i am. and its so dumb because, i dont need to be useful for anyone. i am my own person, im not meant to be used.

so yeah, idk. i think im done with sexual/romantic relationships for now. for a very long time actually :) im just going to focus on my friends instead and hanging out with them. and also myself, but ive actually done a good job with that recently! i have a bunch of hobbies i get excited abt now :3.

so as for what im gonna do with this blog, im not sure! im still deciding. i think ill write in it for a bit, but i might start migrating most of my thoughts to a private journal. i might aim to quit alltogether soon though :)

i feel better? idk. at least mentally. i remembered that i have a lot more going on in my life than other ppl... but anyway, i felt better today. EXCEPT physically i felt like complete shit lmfao. headaches n pains and all around just. blah. i wish i could take smth to make me feel better. caffeine does actually help a lot, but it also makes me very shakey. i'll have to figure out how to have just a perfect amount maybe.

work has been blahghfhdghg............ i guess i feel like im just kind of doing it for no reason rn. i do enjoy making money, but i guess a part of me doesnt even know what its for. idk. i struggle a lot with spending money even if its some i make. idk. i just struggle like caring about something enough to buy it. in a few months im moving away so far n i'll be experiencing new things everyday, i dont need to start rn lol. i just wanna relax i guess b4 i have to actually put my focus on important stuff. idk

i actually had a pretty good day today! i got lost a bit while heading to hang out with my friend, but i still had a lot of fun navigating lol. also i suck so bad at directions... fjsnfskjdfsjfad. i wish i was better. but anyway, i hung out with my friend ezra today! it was rly fun, we walked n went thru a lot of parks n stuff. we got teriyaki n then went over to his house to watch regular show :3 it was rly awesome.

getting back home, i was really sad. i know its just because my period is starting, but it doesnt make it hurt less. my phone battery was very low... so i didnt hav anything 2 distract me with some of the ride home or while i was waiting for the bus :( i ended up crying and stuff even while listening to music. it was completely unrelated to my day today. i guess, i just started thinking about sad stuff, as i do during these times. usually i try not to go out because this tends to happen when i go out b4 my period, but i dont have a day off for a while 2 hang out with friends :( so i sucked it up.

yeah... i was pretty sad though. i start to reflect a lot, and its very sad. i guess there has been this very dull ache in my heart for the past few months. its not very painful, it's just kind of there in the back of my head. certain things trigger it i guess. but. i feel like everything has gone wrong lol :,) which is incorrect, because i know im on the path made for me as is everyone, but something feels wrong. this all feels wrong. it all still feels like some nightmare, that i will wake up from eventually, and everything will be okay again. it seems as ridiculous as dumb nightmares i had before things loool. it feels like a like... literal prank lol.

but i will get through it :3 i know its just my pms making me feel sad n stuff.

pmsing sm... but period hasnt started. god im so fucking pissed at everyone n everything. was extra bad this morning but i got better as the day went on. just wanted 2 fucking kill everyone lmfao. i hate feeling so disconnected from everyone around me! it feels like everyone just sees me as this little fucking freak creature. i am so sad that i turned out this way as mjuch as u are. like fuck dude. i wish i was normal n could talk 2 ppl normally. i wish ppl were just!!!!!!!!!aghhhhhhhhhhhhh. i alwasys see ppl... conversing... adn it feels like im stuck in this like... bubble that i cant reach anyone else. and it sucks so bad. everyone knows somethign that i can't embrace or fully comprehend, im like fundamentally socially broken n its so frustrating. like holy fuck, i got such such bad cards dealt. i really wish i wasnt this much of a weirdo:( i wish i could be normal and care abt normal things... maybe thts why i like. hate normal ppl so much... seeing ppl constantly reposting relatable content... eating it all up... god i fucking WISH i was like that. i wish i could be satisfied that easily. but NO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DO SHITTT FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK DUDE

ALSO I FUCKING MISSED CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today i went to work. i actually prefer working 3-7 i think. they keep scheduling me wrong :(999 augghh. been thinking about quitting recently :( i might try to save up some money and then leave, idk.

working a lot this week :( idkkk. my manager said she'd fix it but im worried.

sadly a lot of my pms came early this month:( ugh. i think im starting my period within a few days which sucks. its so lame whenever it starts a little early. anyway, been reflecting on some things and people. it sucks realizing that someone inherently has 0 respect for u. but whatever. ugh Fuck Dude. im so tired of this. im tired of getting into situations like these, im not ever having fun and im just so stressed out. im so tired and bored of my closest relationships being people that just want to have sex with me. im so bored of it. i want to have genuine platonic friendships but i suck so bad at that.

its like i can Feel it whenever im just. being idealized or thought of something that i'm not, i can feel it whenever. im not seen as a real person but just. an idealization of something. if that makes sense. im so tired. i miss being seen for who i am. so tired of things and people being so face value, i know that they can't control it but i hate it. everything feels the same. everyone says the same things and acts the same and i get bored.

i think im realizing now that i am one of those people who want a really deep relationship. which is kind of lame ngl... i still love meeting people, i just. i dont know. i want someone who understands. who doesn't see me at face value, who truly wants to Understand.

i wonder if that person exists... hmm. fnsjdkfnsdkjfbskhfbabfkjfaddas. im trying to think of traits i like in a person for a relationship and ... i dont even know. i just. my brain just automatically goes to. i want them to understand. also i just realized how good i am at typing. wait. that is Kind of cool ngl. ok. anyway.

typology rambling slightly related. i am , like. 90%ish sure i am an entp. subject to change. but. if i am, its veyr hard being one while like being a type 4 at the same time. because my brain like, really values authenticity from my type 4 but like. i lack fi so hard. like my lack of fi is so funny. i never know what im feeling at any exact moment, and to do so i have to usually talk to someone, which is gay asf. but. yeah. so it gets hard having these little... melancholic episodes while not being able to decipher what is truly important to me. honestly, i wish i was an infp/enfp rn, or someone with high fi. because it would make this be a lot easier. i envy people who are aware of what their values are and are like, very strong with them. its very cool. i just. cannot be that way lmfao. i literally like, cant care about my fi. i mean i want to but like, idk.

rambling a lot... my bad. but like, a thing with high fi vs high/lower fe, is that the higher the fi the less likely they are to be embarassed. idk. i guess i like kind of am like that. i dont ever feel embarassed ever. i dont ever feel awkward ever. isnt that weird. im like so contradictory like that. idk. like sometimes i say something and im like wow theyre probably really uncomfortable rn and like i just feel bad for them but im not like self conscious about anything i say looool.

anyway. slicky drew OUR TOONS and that was probably the most joy ive felt in a while unironically. i am so stupid 2024

day off today.... i hd an okay day! tadc episode 2 came out today :3 it was... just about as good as the first one. maybe slightly better bc gummigoo sexy god. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST. WANTED MORE OF JAX!!!!!!!!!!!!! i guess we got a little at the end which was cute... when they were like, talking about the funeral and he like looked kind of sad and stuff. it was cute. i hope they explore more of that even tho it will probably be some shitty emo backstory or something LOOOL.

UGH. MAN. IM SO HORNY TODAY DUDE I CANT TAKE ITTTTTTT. ITS ACTUALLY GENUINELY GETTING ON MY NERVES. im so pissed off because i know its bc my periods starting soon. and its likke pls. not now. not for a few days pls... btu anyway ugh it is rly annoying and jerking off doesnt even help that much. i just. ndjfnsdfhsbfsjhbhjndjaknfsdf. ugh.

heyheyheyehyeheyheyeh. today was pretty good! long day as always working... but still went okay. taking tmrw off! gonna have tmrw and saturday off since i work on sunday :3. i have been thinking about this website... and what i want to do with it. i enjoy having this as my blog, but sometimes i want something a little bit more private? idk. i want to talk more to myself about things. that i dont want like. anyone seeing. but for some reason whenever i like, have my own private journal i like. always fuck it up somehow? like. i end up not writing at all. its weird. i guess this kind of like, keeps me in check lol. also i hate writing irl... its so ugh. i hate. holding a pen it MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLEEE.

working on eating better... i've never been like, someone very insecure of my weight. i think maybe in middle school? i kind of went through the phase where i wanted to starve myself. that lasted like... a year or two, but i stopped after realizing that like we all die someday. then i started like eating normally. last year around october?ish or september i was at my heaviest LOOOL. i dont rly know why? i lied. i know why. i like, went out to taco bell and bought me and my bf at the time it like 3-4 times a week. or idk. 2-3 maybe? idk. but i was eating like shit. and i felt like shit too lmfao. then the breakup happened, and if u can believe it i lost 20 pounds because of it lmfaoooo. i woke up everyday crying and feeling awful for like, 2-3 months and i didnt eat at all tbh. id say im happy with my weight rn :3 but i have realized that. eating processed foods makes me feel like... sad. and like... im feeding my body poison kind of? idk. i just feel like my body hates whenever i do it and i dont wanna like. eat yucky food. so im going to try focusing on better foods this month^.^

had a dream last night of good good sex... @_@ woke up completely drenched... lol i felt like a loser. i wanna feel that desperate 4 someone :( it sucks because im unable to like. be attracted to someone. i wish i experienced attraction normally. like most ppl see. someone attractive and they like wanna bone them. but like idk. ive never rly jerked off thinking abt someone specific... only stuff related to my kink n situations. but oh well >_> at least i still cum from it! n i learned im capable of enjoying sex hehe;))))

its may! woohoo! changed the site :3 made it duck shuffler themed... hehe. today went good/okay. i was really really tired for the beginning of work, it was awful. i was genuinely so exhausted. i think its because i woke up so early (11...). but im happy! im getting into the hang of things with my sleeping schedule slowly. still staying off of my phone :3 had therapy today! im doing super well mental health wise thankfully, n she gave me a few tips of stuff im dealing with recently.

i love may... may has always reminded me of like, dark blue kind of? which is a little weird because may is bright and colors but... the color itself is a dark blue. idk, maybe not dark blue? i feel like it has a certain essence to it. like a dark blue sky... i can't really put it into words. it was beautiful out today as the sun was setting/during sunset. it looked so so blue outside... which made me happy because it was like the universe saying may is here! i love may. its such a nice month. things feel calmer around this time. so excited for sunnier days and memorial day weekend, lol. i sound like a white person. but. i love garage sales so much! and yard sales. actually something i do with my mom is go around them and look at stuff lol :) which is nice considering i dont do things with her ever.

thinking about where i want to travel to. i was hoping that this summer i'd be able to travel, but i don't know if i'll have the money to haha ): which sucks. but theres always the next few years! maybe during college ill pick up a job and save up :) i want to visit greece. i've been thinking about greece a lot lately. ive been looking into the culture, theurgy, etc. of course, im not saying i want to move there but... i want to move there. i think within the next few months during my free time i'm going to start putting some time into learning greek/very little ancient greek. which reminds me of a word i just learned today actually from ancient greek :) it's ousia! it means essence basically. or beingness. its such a pretty word. it reminds me of being still and accepting everything as it is. just essence, that's all we are and everyone and everything. so beautiful to think about.

been thinking about what is healthy for me in my life right now, whos healthy for me, etc. it sucks because, while deciding that, there are so many overlapping parts of my brain lol :) which is normal, but frustrating. because it is hard for me to define what my values are when they're so contradictory. for example, part of me really wants peace. while part of me is thriving so much on new experiences and excitement. so it's very hard. both are so very important to me. i guess i have to decide which one does good for me in the long run though. but its hard even deciding that! i'll figure it out lol