heyyy!!!!!!!!! today wuz easter :3 i didnt do anything to celebrate but it was still such a pretty day. i went thrifting and didnt find anything ): but i felt so good today! i was in very high spirits mwahahha... i smoked weed when i got homw and. i got weird??????/ idk. i started crying because i felt very scared bc i have been feeling so amazing and im so afraid that somethign awful is going to happen and im gonna wanna end my lif again...but idk3: i think i have enough coping skills for that to never happen again, thnakfully. i will see but for now i will just keep very positive still and. i will be sure that i never feel that way again...

tmrw is april!!! im gonan have to edit the image of the month and song of the month and gif of the month.... im not sure what i will do yet hrm...

HAI. today was mostly chill!!! i got a lot of stuff done today, i bought new earbuds and cleaned up a bit! i got boba :D i washed my hair too^_^.

idkkk,, i guess ive been thinking about. mental health and stuff today. im super happy!! my depression is like... mostly if not completely gone at the moment:) im super happy with how my life is and for the first time in so so long i can say that im genuinely super hopeful for the future:) ive managed to be kind to myself throughout everything and. everything is truly just levelling out for me!

but, i guess a big thing with what i struggle with now. is like mostly my anxiety:( i guess specifically my ocd...:(. i have had super super bad ocd for all of my life! it has always been like completely taking over my brain and stuff:( saying it sucks is an udnerstatement man. it is just awful.

but. i am actually rly hopeful :) im not going to give up!!! for my entire life i thought that i would never be able to love myself and care for myself and actually feel hope and joy, and i finally am :33. so i will not give up when it comes to this!!! i know i got this no matter what. i will feel better!

its just hard bc. anxiety and depression are like basically opposites of eachother. when im really really depressed, i dont even think about being anxious. because i literally just cant care about anything at all lmfao. anything can happen and i literally would not care. but like, when im over being depressed, anxiety just feels so much worse lmfao. because i am finally caring, and then suddenly my brain is just on complete alert!

i dont know. i will make sure to bring it up to my therapist ):. i guess i just really havent because, it hasnt really come up since ive been so severely depressed, and because i dont know if she is able to treat it ): i might have to look for another one when it comes to my ocd and stuff. i really like this therapist, shes helped me through so much. she is actually like, my perfect match i think for therapy. i really like structured therapy that has a bunch of plans and to dos in times of like every crisis and shes given me so much. i only go monthly now by the way which is so awesome :))

so yeah. kinda sucks that i have to go through this but i believe in myself :) im so awesome and i will get through this!!!!

holy fucking shit. HOLY SHIT. I JUST LITERALLY HAD THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE LMFAO? oh my god. i didnt think it was like, even possible for me to enjoy sex? i think i just like... actually enjoyed it for the first time ever? like i was completely in the moment and like... EXTREMELY HORNY. DUDE. OH MY GOD. i cant believe this. like literally out of all the times ive had sex, this one was just so amazing oh my godddd...like. IT ACTUALLY ENDED AND INSTEAD OF FEELING LIKE. EMPTY AS FUCK. i felt so happy??? AFTER IT I LIKE. INSTANTLY SAID. dude lets get baja blasts. AND WE DID? AND IT WAS SO DELICIOUS? AND I GAVE THE GUY A 3 DOLLAR TIP? HOLY FUCK???

IM SORRY THIS IS JUST SO INSANE TO ME. like every single time ive had sex ive like... either slightly or completely disociated. like my mind has always been on like, something else completely. or ive been sad. but like? i actually ENJOYED IT SO MUCH? AND HE [OK IT GETS RLY DESCRIPTIVE PLS DONT READ IF U DONT WANNA IMAGINE IT] LIKE HE FINGERED ME AND . INSTEAD OF LIKE WANTING TO KMS IT FELT SO GOOD??? AND HES ACTUALLY SO GOOD WIHT HIS HANDS JSFNSEIJFNSKJNSDF???? OMG. I CANT BELIEVE THIS DUDE

other than sex ! i am slightly AFRAID! okay. maybe in a good way. i dont knowwww.... ugh. okay. said guy i just banged. i really like him like a lot. and we've been discussing dating and HES PROBABLY READFING THIS RN..................ARGGGGGHHHHHHH. but i dont know... im just genuinely so. afraid. im afraid of the future im afraid of what could happen im afraid that this is gonna fuck everything up. im afraid that im going to be an awful partner and i havent worked on myself enough. i really didnt want to date anyone for like a few more months, but my situation with this guy just gets rly confusing with boundaries and stuff.

hes like so amazing and i dont want to lose this type of connection... and idk. i just. its hard. i dont want this to be like my previous relationship at all. i dont want it to feel so stressful and awful and. im so scared that im a bad person ): in my heart i kind of think that i shouldn't be allowed to get close to anyone because im going to like make them feel awful ):. i feel like everyone i get close to ends up hating me in some way. and the thign is like. i literally push it that far. when things are like being ended in a peaceful way i just. get so upset and want it to end awfully instead. i dont even know why. i do it with like friends too. IT KIND OF SUCKS ACTUALLY. every once in a while i get very curious on what a few of my exes r up to... and then i realized WHOOPS I CALLEDTHEM FUCKING RETARDED OR SOMETHING!

i dont knowww.... ughhhh. i dont know what i wanna do. im enjoying being single n being able to talk to whoever i want but...GOD ITS SO CORNY. i have a few ppl who r interested in dating me... and stuff, but no one like... AGGHHH NO ONE MATCHES UP TO THIS GUY!!!! he literaly has so many of my interests and is so funny and cute and amazing and oh godddd ugh............. and also casual sex with no feelings involved kinda bores me sadly. ):

other than that:) today was rly awesome! we watched helluva boss n i ate reeses and stuff todaye. he brought me a few gifts!! a lot of thingies with ladybugs on them... ill probably attach them here at the end(:. he also got us a lego animal crossing to build!! im so so excited to build it with him. we were going to tonight but then he. realized that he had to go get snacks for rhi b4 a store closed so he had to leave. im getting a lot better with like. hanging out with ppl for long periods of time. i used to get rly overwhelmed but now im like super comfortable with him staying for longer!!

so yep. just gotta keep thinking what i wanna do. we already discussed everything, its just kind of on me now... to like fndkjfndsijfsdifbdnfsd. ughhhh. ALSO!!! ME AND HIM R LITERALLY STOLITZ... LIKE EVERYTIME I WATCH HELLUVA BOSS IM LIKE. oh my god. this is literally me and him. ITS SO CUTEEEE IM SO EXCITED TO FINISH IT WITH HIM

I think I spend my life consistently trying to grasp and contain every single little thought I have, but the truth is im just scared. Im scared of what can happen. I convince myself that im simply just going through rational scenarios, but I dont know what im even doing in the present moment. I live everyday in the future, sometimes years ahead. I dont remember what i did today. Im trying to understand, I swear of that, but it feels like my values are too abstract and difficult to comprehend myself, and its just very hard.

I teeter from rationalizing every concept and issue I come across and realizing that humans are so so very complex and I will never truly understand as no one else will understand. Everyone sees things truly differently and its hard accepting there is no cookie cutter fact for every situation no matter how hard I want there to be

It goes for every situation and relationship and everything everywhere. Everyone sees things in a different light, what might be awful and life ending to someone might be someone elses average Sunday. I want so badly to experience it all, I think. How badly I want it all to be cookie cutter at the same time, I just want to understand everything and what will happen.

I cant though. I have no idea what is ever going to happen any day. I truly do not. Everyday can be awful and everyday can be beautiful and I need to stop trying to change myself for someone else it hurts so much but being alone is just awful.

I dont even know what im afraid of honestly, and i dont know why i spend everyday so so afraid of everything out of my control

its almost the end of the month!!! april baby!!!! i like to like.. change my lighting and stuff every month. march and april both remind me of like, greenish yellowish? may reminds me of like... dark blue. june reminds me of orange, july is yellow, august is darker orange...

im so excited for summer hehehe.... ive gotten a lot of my college stuff done!!!

gna keep cleaning my house.............boooooooo. today i saw this big jiggly fat guy security guard. i was like, omg it smells like strawberry milk in here! and he popped up and was like... heh. yeah. strawberry milk. or maybe strawberry shortcake...? and i instantly got an erection.

2day is so broingcore... i keep eating like SHIT AGAIHN OH MY GOD WHY DO I DO THIS? and like im literally in paiiiiiiiiiiin and im like WHYYYYYYYYY and tjen im like oh its bc i ltierally ate so much sweet bread. I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP THIS????????????? this is so fatcore LO O OO OL. i hav a bunch of shit to do today. i thought when i graduated id have like sm freetime but i still have so much shit to do? LIKE I HAVE EVEN MORE TO DO SOMEHOWW????

im no5t rly stressed about it tho. idkkk. also i start work very soon. i was supposd 2 start this week but..... u know. these ppl are not the greatest at like....[further statements redacted]. so i might go in this week AGAIN HAHAHA... to ask about it. bc my LOA ended this sunday! also i keep getting loike rly paranoid that they will randomly schedule me so i keep checking my schedule everyday in fear that i work that day lmfao.

still workin gon my sleep schedule.... ill get tjere someday. im so excited bc max is getting a car soonj and im gonna bedazzle it so hard.

dudw i am so pissed today URGHGHGHGH i keep waki ng up so late like at 12/1pm and its PEEVING ME. i hate doinf it so much i keep like choosing to do things tjat make me FEEL WORSEEEE LIKE GODDDD FUCK i really wanna work on my sleep schedule so bad it bothers me so much sleeping so late :(

also small rant... or not rly a rant like an observation? why are white people so... like... unknowingly racist? like they say the weirdest shit sometimes and they're like... not even aware of how ignorant it sounds. honestly im not at a 2020 sjw mindset at all anymore but... it seems like everytime i talk to a white person, they always say something so weird...? like the thing is theyre not really jokes, theyre just rly dumb ignorant comments? im not upset at it... just kind of like... astounded how white ppl can just say these things without like... having self awareness. idk... again i dont really care at all its just kind of like... wheres ur self awareness dude U CANT SAY THAT LMFAO. its funnier when they r like purposefully being ignorant as a joke but then they actually do it and im like ok what the fuck LOOOL

IN OTHER NEWS, my financial aid got processed!!! woohoo!!! im definitely going to my college of choice now!! im rly happy and excited to finally move to the dorms this fall. of course i have my own anxieties and worries abt that BUT I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL LIKE SUMMER! for now I AM WORRY FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [lie i will probably panic about this very soon!]

i started thinking about how excited i am to learn psychology!!! i have been so in love with the subject since i was little. my biggest like, long term hyperfixation is psychology lol. so the major is like perfect for me!! i know that theres some people who like, really struggle with what they wanna do as work while in college and what they wanna study, and while i feel bad for them IM SO THANKFUL THAT THIS CAREER PATH IS. LIKE SO PERFECT FOR ME LMFAO. ok look i have so much stress in my life i can be happy about this.

i am really really excited about clinical psychology in specific! and learning deeper about mental illness. theres so many types of therapy that i think are so interesting. im so excited to become a therapist. i really wanna like, specialize in teen years because i know i struggled so so much as a teenager and i really wanna help other girls going through the same awful things.

but yeah!! the college still has to go over the financial aid and give me like. an estimate of wht i'll have to pay and ill see if i have to take any loans out [hopefully not!!]. but im excited that things r finally coming together with this!!!

today is so chill.... too chill. i havethis issue ok why do i have every issue ever GOD POPELASE GIVE ME PEEACE PLEAAAAAAASe ok anyway i have like this issue where i am. completely hypervigilant of everything and when im not. and im like... actually calm and theres nothing to worry about and my body is like. relaxed. i get so scared that like something is wrong LMFAO? its so dumb. like i feel very okau rn and relaxed but im like... worried that im about to die or something bad is going to happen if i stay this relaxed. or like that im dying and this is bad? idk... ugh. its so annoying. i literally cant tell if im dying tired or relaxed.

but yahhh thats how it is today. lasy nigth i fortnote with connor anf tjen with max.........me and max got victoru royale. but i was dead so it doesnt count. not kidding if i likw actualy get one i think i will be likw. my self esteem will be cured for like a month. me and max were talking about it. like if u win at fortnite u are technically better than 100 ppl? so like... to 100 ppl u are basically a god. that is enough self esteem to last me like a year.

also i am seriously considering buying vbucks.... i think i ltiersllly will. i need a skin.

OKAY it is. day 4? or 3? i think 4 yeah of my period so its like, mostly completely gone. i feel less like shit thank god!!! the first 3 days r pretty hard emotionally and physically but i got thru it :3.

im still working on like, making the first few days easier for me. ive gotten a lot better though! i didnt breakdown this time thank god. just everything was like extra stressful which sucked.

i kinda relaxed all day :)) i finally posted on depop!!! ive been wanting to for a few months/YEARS now and i finally got to it! i edited them pretty nicely so i hope they catch someones eye. im gonna try and keep them up for a month or two and if no one takes them ill just donate them ^_^

this random number texted me today and i was so confused... they kept claling me and it was a guy with an indian accent. tjen i kept texting him and he told me that he needed money for tje sims 4????? and how he had danganronpa characters? and then i called him. and i was so confused because i thought this was my ex from afghanistan making a return. bc i dont know any other indians with the knowledge of danganronpa. i talked to him for like 8-10 minutes straight. asking who he was. dude had lore. he was like i found ur number in my bathroom at my office job i work at lg phones in brooklyn ny. i was so confused on who it could be but then he broke and it turns out it was one of my friends jacob who i dont rly talk to often... i like genuinely had no idea who it couldve been LMFAO so that was. funny

but yeah... thats mainly it today!!! :3 i hope someone buys my clothes DUDE i listed some like, 2ish years ago and no one ever bought them... but i also listed them pretty lamely and like... kinda rly expensive? there was this one skirt i bought for like 70 dollars and i listed it for 30 or 50 bc i didnt want it to be a waste and then... i just kinda kept moving it down to 10 dollars and no one bought it.. but the listing was rly ugly so hpoefully they work now!!! i might try lisitng that skirt again in a cuter way!^_^

i have just. felt so exhausted and stressed for the past few daus. i had to do a bunch of shit for my mom and dad bc they r mexican and old and hav no idea what theyre doing. and ive been working on getting a bunch of scholarships and my mom is. making it seem like im not going to qualify for any or even be able to go to the college i want and its so stressful.

im just rly stressed. i really hope that financial aid will be able to cover at least most of my housing and the school itself i will be very sad if it turns out i wont be able to go... bc it means i have to live close to my mom for another 2 years at least and. even though ik a few people going to that college i just have wanted to live without her since i was really little.

being around her is a big source of stress and anxiety for my entire life. my entire life ive known that i dislike her and we do not get along at all. part of me of course feels really bad about it bc u know... shes my mom. and although she is a massive bitch 99% of the time i know it's not her fault. and i know shes trying her hardest and i know her life growing up was awful and this is all her just trying and doing what she can.

but it still doesnt change the fact that she treats me awfully so much of the time and. even if she didnt the way she views and handles life is just so much and so negative and it literally hurts me lmfao. she is a very anxious person and she takes it out all on me.

i dont know. i have genuinely tried improving our relationship. my therapist [white...] has given us exercises to do and stuff and like. ive tried but. my mom comes from a different culture than white people man. these type of exercises do not work for her. she sees all of it as weak and stupid and dumb. and it just hurts. i wish she got a therapist. i know shes so depressed and anxious and doesnt have friends but. i have no control over that and i cant just be an outlet for everything.

but yeah... anyway, i have just been so stressed. i guess i just have to realize that whatever happens, happens for a reason. i'm still really hoping for my preferred college. i hope financial aid gets back to me soon, i still havent had my application processed. knowing it will help a bunch and i heard they help with like loans and stuff if i have to do that.

i dont know, its been making it hard for me to talk to my friends lately. ive also been feeling rly insecure with [redacted] for no reason as well. i just feel like all i ever have to offer is my body and everything else just is so mediocre and boring. but i know isolating myself is just going to make things worse and like sadder. and i know that im nota mediocre person and i have more than my body. its just very easy to get into these patterns. but ive gotten a lot better at breaking them thank god. but yeah thats just whats been going on.

i think im honestly a really angry guy. this kinda sucks because i dislike angry people. so it kind of like... makes me hate myself whenever im acting extremely irritable. but it is so hard for me to not feel so irritable all of the time... whenever im anxious, i get angry. whenever im sad, i usually get easily annoyed. whenever im like, feeling ever so slightly uncomfortable, i get super pissed off. and it sucks.

growing up i was around super angry people all of the time. my brother was an awful person towards me when i was super young for no reason at all. maybe he was frustrated from his own life as he alternated between bitchy latina women. regardles of what it was he scarred me my entire life as did my mom and dad. i grew up being so terrified at people who raised their voice at all or who would show any sign of anger.

but of course, it gets tiring and unfair to others explaining that i hate it when people show anger. its not their fault if theyre making me anxious due to my past issues. being angry is a normal emotion and is healthy and needed, yaddayadda. i cant keep asking people to never get upset at me, because that is honestly very toxic lmfao especially since i often get upset at them.

it puts me in a really weird and pathetic place where im always so angry and upset and when someone dares to be upset at me, i get really offended and it makes me sound like a total bitch who u should not get near.

but i have been working on it. as my mental health has been pretty stable recently, i havent gotten like angry at all. and i mean at all lmfao. i think that when im feeling literlaly just... baseline okay, i dont even feel angry

although anger is helpful in certain things, like the anger i feel towards my brother and occasionally my parents, ultimately if you have no plan of action or if u can't do anything about it there's no point in holding onto it.

i can spend my life feeling pissed off about every little awful thing that was unfair towards me as a child, or i can let go of it and release the awful cycles that ive been put through.

i am learning to acknlowedge when something has been unfair and letting it go. i spent so long just holding onto this anger when theres nothing i can do now. theres no amount of petty comments i can say to my mom about everything that will make things better. what's done is done. and it's hard to accept because i wanted things to be better but they never could be.

holding onto these things makes you honestly a miserable person, i can guarantee that.

i guess this wasn't really about short term anger then? more like long term building up resentment type anger. by short term anger i mean like, mistreatment by friends and stuff and other things that happen day-to-day.

i dont know. i get kind of sad thinking about how my anger can never really be directed at anything and it itself is aimless. but i dont really know if seeing it as aimless is a healthy way of seeing it? idk.... ok. i wil have to talk to my therapist abt this. or think about it more. o3o

as of today. it has been around. uhhhh HALF A YEAR SINCE an actual relationship. THIS IS BIG SHIT MAN!!!!!!! in another 6 months ill be OFFIXIACLLY A YEAR BY MYSELF. FUUUUCK. im so proud of myself.i made it man. i struggledwith being alone and not having likw.... a partner for so long in my life and NOW IVE DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!! i genuinely thought i couldnt survive without someone near me but i honestly feel so much better and my life has gotten so amazing without having a partner. i have so much time to work on myself and not worry about another person.

but idk, i guess it kinda makes u wonder... how do ppl who jump from relationship to relationship actually live? im not rly like judging or anything, but i know some people who seriously cant go without being in one.

it makes me wonder what these people even view relationships as. do they take it seriously? or just mostly for fun? i guess i have taken my actual relationships extremely seriously. i think i need to stop doing that though. i think its a lot of stress to do that to another person esp like RN lol since we would be so young.

my last real relationship was extremely serious. it felt so deep and complex and it still kind of feels like dating someone else rn would kind of... like... idk how to explain it? like i guess AGHH like disregard how deep my previous one was? idk, like it feels like its just hard to let go of this notion that relationships HAVE to be all encompassing and serious.

but at the same time, i hate taking things so seriously. it like completely takes out the fun and like the joy of actually being with someone. i used to see being with someone as like... completely intertwining ur soul with another person with the intention of being with them forever.

but that perspective is refusing to acknlowedge how complex people are and how much they change within months and years, especially at this age. no matter who you're with, within a few years they are going to be a completely different person. you cant expect people to stay the same and carry the same values as they had when u first meet them. it is literally impossible lmfao.

and also... people get stale tbh. LMFAO ok this is whre my weird view of relationships come in. i feel like the body naturally wants new experiences and new people to date around with. cuz dating ppl and sex like invites u to so many new experiences and literally nourishes ur soul. its so magical to fall in love. i guess thats why i wouldnt rly mind an open relationship? i also wouldnt rly care about cheating or anything... i feel like its natural to view other ppl as attractive. and monogamy is just like a weird structure fed to us. even though it rarely ever works. i mean, when do u actually see rly happy monogamous couples? of course they exist, but i feel like the body longs to meet other ppl. ofc probably not as you get older.

but eh... im also not into polyamory at all. it just sounds like extra stressful monogamy. bc u know its like a structured thing still. i dont know, i just havent rly been in a relationship where i feel like i would actually want to commit to them forever lmfao. maybe i will someday