today was good too. EVEN THOUGH. I WOKE UP LATE LOOOL. I WOKE UP LIKE, WITHIN THE HOUR I USUALLY GET READY FOR WORK. SO I WAS. kind of stressed this morning. and my dream was also very stressful IT WAS SO DUMB ID SAY IT HAHAHAH BUT. its a little too weird. been thinking about how much i should even overshare on this website anyway. i wish i could overshare more but there r some weirdos that have been like actively watching me lol so its kind of lame that i cant as much. ive ALWAYS BEEN someone who like actively overshares too so IT SUCKSSS not being able to. been getting off my phone a lot more recently :3 and doing stuff that actually matters to me. ive been thinking recently. media controls so much of the perception of our life, would i want to live a life where my perception is altered by apps that are leading to take ur attention and radicalize most of ur opinions? no. it sucks. ive also been thinking about how fast life is and how it sucks to live a life where ur constantly worrying and rushing through things. it's way too much for me. probably for everyone too but oh well. been thinking a lot about my perception of life as a whole anyway. i guess for the past few days i forgot that having a negative view and not treating urself with self compassion is inherently. setting urself up to feel worse and also do worse things to people.

also, happy may!!! woohoo! april was. an okay month! overall it was pretty relaxed id say but it got a little stressful nearing the end. work was also really hard starting, but ive gotten into a bit of a routine with it :) hopefully by the middle of may i'll be getting more days off. i don't mind the hours, but not seeing my friends even just. a day a week makes me rly sad :(

today was pretty good actually! ive been having like a really shitty time for probably a week now. not particularly bad, just kinda feeling sadder than usual. but i felt good and happy today.

played toontown... did a factory. i hadnt done a factory in so long. like since i was literally 8 LOL. so it was fun! im happy that ive started to play again today. OHG MY GOD. THEY DID A FUCKING DUCK SHUFFLER LIKE. MASSIVE FUCKING CONTENT DROP. IT WAS SO COOL. LIKE THAT ACTUALLY BROUGHT ME SO MUCH FUCKING JOY???? I THINK FOR MAY IM GONNA MAKE MY SITE DUCK SHUFFLER THEMED ... AHAHAHAAHAHA IM SO EXCITED. i fought. him today and got a bunch of new shit. IM SO HAPPPYYY. also im so happy because i just realized how like... toontown has been so apart of my life for years. like since i was super duper little, like probably around 6? so basically my entire life. and im playing it now and having so much fun with it. it makes me so happy... it basically raised me. ive been thinking about that a lot lately. i dont know if people evenk now yet how much media impacts our life and shapes us into who we are. like who would i be right now if i wasnt slightly involved with the toontown community all of my life? or like, for other things too. idk. its so interesting to think abt.

made a headband today! gotta start putting my projects and stuff in the... project part of my website. but idk :( i wish i had more time 2 do stuff lol. gotta get a better schedule than whatever im doing rn. but its super cute theres rubber ducks on it... hehehe

i just genuuinely feel so awful today about myself and everything. its very early into the day so i will probablyt update more later. but i haate cleaning so much because i find some awful things and i realize how awful i am. i hate thinking about how awful i am. it makes me so sad i feel so bad for anyone who gets close to me ever. i feel like i do everything wrong constantly and i dont know how to stop and i think im doing it right now and i dont know i just cant get close to literally anyone i ruin everything so bad. i feel so awful i feel so stupid and like i shouldnt be allowed arounf any person. i dont deserve to feel happiness genuinely. after eveyrhting after the sin of being a;llowed to even be born i shouldnt be allowed to be happy. i literlaly want to die just so i can never talk to anyone anymore. i genuinely feel like everyone sand eveyrhting would be better off if i never existed. i hate myself so much, i hate myself. i just want to die so everyone i hurt can just be happy. no matter how many times i hurt myself its never enough unless im completely gone. im just so sorry i feel so sad and sorry for even being alive, because i know its an awful thing for everyone to experience. i hate myself for doing well because i know i shouldnt be allowed to. i shouldnt be allowed to experience anything good ever. im just so awful, i wish something would just kill me already. i want to suffer so bad for everything ive ever done wrong. i want to suffer and be miserable forever.

okay. the update. hi. its later in the day. i had a pretty good day tpday. i hung out with max and we watched ZOOTOPIAAA WOOHOOOOOO i FUCKING LOVE THAT MOVIE FUCK. i love it so much. i had sm fun! we ordered a pizza and played animal crossing 4 a bit until we got distracted with zootopia breaking bad reference... it was a fun day :3 im tired. i feel a lot better than this morning. i just need to start practicing self compassion whenever i like find something that brings me painful memories. and rmemebr that im still very young and learning these things and. its okay that i made mistakes before. i dont know. i guess my mind keeps telling me that i like am an awful person that damages everything forever but i know thats not true and i know i can change. i feel a lot better. ive been very busy the past few days so i havent had time to play toontown n stuff :( so i think thats been making me sad NPOT JUST TOONTOWN JUST. games in general pretty much or hobbies in general i havent had time 2 do...

almost forgto to do this whoops... anyway ive been takinge verything too seriously again and need to remember to NOT. NOT TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY. STOP IT BITCH. FUCK. okay. anyway. fucked today. twas fun. a joly good time. they keep fucking up my schedule which is EXTREEMEELLLY FRUSTRATINGGGG BC I ALREADY TALKED TO THEM..HAHAHA..uhhhhhhh thats all i guess. idk. i had taco bell. hashtag the relapse. helluva boss trailer was chefs kiss amazing.... n the leak was so CUTEEE OF THE STOLITZ DUET AGHHHHHHHHHH IM SO EXCITED DUDEEE. also okay. yes im done hating ymself. it was just a little Moment i had. but im fine noaw. i need to remember just because im having boy issues doesnt mean i shoudl hate myself bc im awesome. i just get very frustrated at my lack of ability to have healthy clear boundaries/relationships but WHOOOOOOOO CARESSSSSSSS WHATEVER ILL FIGURE IT OUT BEING MEAN TO MYSELF ISNT GOING TO HELP......................... so yes im fine now.

bought a bunch of makeup today....like a lot. 60 bucks worth...hahaahha... but its fine. this will last me a very loing time... does makeup even count as a hobby...? thats just a random thought... idk if it does. i thought of it bc i just spent so much money on it and thats one of the few things i can like mentally justifying spending that much on. like anything else for 60 bucks id be like okay dude What. but idk... ugh. u know what. i hate makeup honesrtly. i feel like doing it is very much like... agghhh. i have such a weird relationship with it. bc on one hand, i know doing my mkaeup makes me feel better and happier and more put together. but on the other hand, im like... ok but why do i feel so Put Together with makeup on. what if i didnt want it on... then i dont feel put together. and its like... uhh is that weird or damaging to my mental Health>??? but like idk. idk if its just prettying/expressing myself the same way an outfit does or if its like toxically contributing to beauty standards. idk. its hard. its hard to Do what my Values align with in this situation BC I LITERALLY DONT KNWO!!!!!!!!!

for the first time in a very long time i actually hate myself today. like. god fuck. when i hate myself i mean i hate everything about myself. i hate every fibre of my own being, i hate everything ive done, i hate everything i do, i hate my face i hate everythiung. im remembering everything stupid and awful about myself. i genuinely wanna run razors down my wrists and just die. uuggghhh fuck dude. everything is so dull and stupid i hate myself, i ruin everything for myself. i ruin every relationship because i hate myself. am i just going to do this forever? like genuinely it feels like it. everytime i get close to someone i just like. fuckinfg fuck It Up becausre i do not believe anyone can love me because im just so gross, my like. everything about me. im just so gross and heavy and a burden to deal with, im some stupid bitch that has to be dragged along and i hate everyone. i dont think anyone can ever make me feel happy. i dont think anyone can ever make me feel happy to be honest. i dont know. everytime i get close to someone i feel so sick every time they get closer to me, i jsut want them to get away. i dont understand anything. i hate it all. i hate being this way. i do not want to be this way, but this is how i am and it sucks. i hate pushing everything away from me. everything is too much. everyone is too much, i hate integrating someone else closer to me because it feels genuinely disgusting. people are so disgusting. i hate this. its so awful fucking despising myself and finding everyone else disgusting. i dont know HOW to not find people disgusting. WHEN I DONT HATE. MYSWELF. i just find everyone nasty and awful and like im unable to get closde to them BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SUCH A FREAAAAAK AND SELFISH. i hate everyone. everytime someone does something even a Little selfish i just get disgusted. im so picky. im so fucking picky with everyone and i ahte it i dont want to constantly pick at everyone's stupid little flaws its so FUCKINGG GAYYYYYYYYYYY UGHHH. i like unironically think no one will ever understand anything i go through and everyone is just some stupid little idiot that doesnt understand suffering unless theyve been in my situation/worse. im so stupid. im so arrogant. i literally despise myself

OK. now that it is out of my brain. i am going to. do my tjerapy Tools and relax and remember to not hate mydelf because im awesoem adn should be loved and treated with loved.

i felt better today too i gues. i played minecraft witj my friends. and als oim excited tmrw is fridayyy and i can just relax for tje weekend ^.^ also thinking of dyeing my hair soon! i might do red. or orange! idk. i just wanna dye it. that or a wig, but wigs r really annoying to me idk why... or maybe ill invest in like, a really good quality one. bc whenever i wear one i just feel rly gross lmfao. but all the wigs ive gotten have been like, 30 dollars maximum so it makes sense.

super excited to work on my wardrobe! gonna do a rly deep cleaning of my clothes and rly get rid of shit i dont want. i really just wanna completely fix it to what i like^.^. i might make a list of like, essential clothes i want. like basic school/grocery shopping wear whatever. and also like for when i wanna dress up a little, just dif categories like that! super excited. i think im pretty good with accessories for now, so i dont hav to worry abt that! just need more pants esp and cuter shirts.

felt better today! i almost actually forgot to write an entry today lmfao. but im here now...

same old shit... worked today. i felt a little better today tho! i just got paid. n also, i realized that when i dress sillier/how i actually love i feel a lot better rather than dressing with less effort. so ill start focusing on dressing cuter :3 esp when im feeling sadder. working on taking care of this little vessel... had a few days where i kinda hated every1 and felt super disconnected, but starting to feel calm and love towards the world again. just have to remember that everyone is beautiful regardless of it all and we all seek love and care for one another :3

i just wish things were kinder honestly. i wish people were kinder and i wish people would appreciate the absurdity of it all and stop taking everything so seriously. i think i overly concern myself with the response people would give me to whatever i say to them, and i kind of envy people who say the wildest shit ever. im trying so hard to break that barrier constantly, but i hate making people uncomfortable. i just wanna say all the right things. which is like, weird though. and my soul doesnt like when i do that. i dont know. i wish i had more to say to people. i feel like if im not people pleasing im just kind of. silent. im awful at expressing myself through like, speech. i dont know why:( i always have been. it feels like everything comes out really rude and i dont mean for it to sound rude. yep that or im silent. i dont know. i hate how much i contradict myself. around some people im so fucking loud. but around others im really quiet. it feels like every perspective of me is so contradcitory. but i think thats everyone. it makes me wonder how much i havent seen from some people.

having an ex is such a beautiful experience. idk why im thinking about this right now, since it happened last night. but me and max were calling, and we were like, guessing eachother's choices for foods and stuff. and i just think its so lovely how i know someone's exact favorite foods and drinks and everything and they are just nothing to me now. and how i can say that for a few people in general. its such a pretty melancholic feeling. i think i will always love everyone and everything

i had like. a super good streak of feeling rly great for a bit but. for some reason i have felt very... idk, not sad? not empty either, i guess ive just felt very like, stressed out. and also a little on edge, and also very tired. kind of like. how i feel before i get super anxious/depressed. and like, idk. yeah it just sucks tbh. i just have to start taking care of myself. idk... ugh, its so frustrating. i wish my body was like. a computer. that i could like, run tests and see whats wrong.

idkkk, im gona try. thinking about what i gotta work on...cuz i dont even know. also dude. i hate fuckinf. romantic/sexuality whatever. its so frustrattiingngnggnfngfgnf. bc in my past relationship iwas like, very very aroace and. i do want to try dating again but im like afraid that its just going to be so unfair to the other person. because when things get like waaaay too romantic i just. get like uncomfortable. lmfao. or not uncomfortable? im just. not very into it sadly. and its like really unfair to the other person i think to be that way. i just really wish i was normal. and part of me wonders if this is even like a sexuality thing? or if theres something else wrong with me that im not able to get intimate with anyone without being uncomfortable even if i do like them. but idkkk... ughhh i just wish i was normal dude.

todat was rly fun, i called dwjth my frinefs. o played this fucking weird furry sex farming game... that i have to go refund now actualy...i am like, so tired today i dont know why. i worked only 4-7 today. but rest of week is 4-8. which sucks ball fart. and also my manager put mr as 4-8 for other weeks too even after submitting new availability,. which suckkkkkkkks but whatever, i just have to talk to them again i guess

actually.. i knwo why im so tired its bc i barely ate today. uggghh i have to remmebr to eat. i get into tjese phases where likw i ltierally forget to nourish my body with what it needs. boy i mso stupid

my brain is so so scrambled today. i feel like theres something i should be thinking about but i cant. like. process it right now. ive been sleeping like, super late and its making me feel really sad whenever i wake up. but idk :( idk why i like to stay up so late ... i could literally do the same things just in the morning.

i guess everything just feels kinda scrambled rn. i havent rly been focused on taking care of myself as much ): which i hav to start doing again. i guess ive just been so focused on work and stuff. but. i think ive gotten used to it by now at least. also. stupid but. i didnt realize spring started? lmfao. already a month ago. my like value that i chose for winter/beginning of the year was self love :) and i think i have like fully been able to harness it. i still struggle sometimes but ive gotten the hang of it!! i might for this spring focus on the value of peace or health. idk. bc with health id be just setting up schedules for myself rather than jsut stressing out every night/morning about what i have to get done. n also focus on exercise. idk, i havent been exercising recently bc i havent had the time sadly. or i guess a ride. but, i guess i could start just going in the middle of the day. as for peace id just be focusing more on having specific. times and activites to do for myself because. like i said everything feels very chaotic.

idk... i feel so stressed out recently by so so much :( but i will get through this!!

didnt do much today! i went to go get chex mix and juice. then i got high and ate chex mix and drank the juice. i smoked a lot and i had a lot of fun. this cart is like really helpful for anxiety and when i want my brain to just shut up. but i wont be using it for a while anyway, i dont wanna like. fuck up my tolerance or whatever. and keep it as a silly treat.

i played toontown again...i dont remember what i did though........tomorrow sunday wooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i didnt like coordinate my meds correctly i gotta do it this week. bc then i like forget if i take them or not and get anxious abt it

not going to lie. felt like shit today. but oh well, i got through it. its over anyway. nothing in particular happened, i just felt super bummed out today and my brain has been super stressed abt a few things which sucks. i smoked tonight which helped like... 3/4 of the time? and then like. a bit after i started feeling super sad and stuff abt some things. but anyway. i played toontown. it was rly fun but like, i couldnt rly concentrate while i was super high. which was kinda fun because i just kinda kept... wandering around and zoning out... it reminded me of when i was younger and playing it originally lol. except i was also super tired and just wanted to like lay down and do nothing lmfao. which makes sense bc i smoke indica rn. i think if i smoked the hybrid i would have more fun, bc with that one im able to like process things more easily. or like play games more easily i mean. but anyway yeah when i was young i thought everything was so interesting and i didnt rly do much but walk around and stare... i was like that with a lot of games actually! like open world ones. they were so so cool to me when i was younger. i wish i had botw when i was young, i wouldve fucking loved that shit so much lmfao. bc i remember in WoW they had like,slightly biggish maps? and i would just wander around. and if i had that in zelda. holy shit. my ass would be so happy. but yeah. redisocvered the joy of just. staring at my surroundings on games. twas fun. music was super fun too. finished all of bb. well except kudos tasks... ill start working on those. the ttc ones i mean.

idk, ugh. i wish i didnt have to make decisions all the time 4 myself. idk. people are too complicated and forget that everyone is beautiful! i was talking abt that with max earlier. idk, i jsut realized how amazing everyone is. everyone has their own consciousness and it's so magical and special and we literally don't realize that. like how r people just... going through their day wihout remembering this? everytime i have an issue im so comforted by this thought because. everyone is actually so silly and amazing and i love this world regardless if there are some silly mean people, because their perspectives are just as important as everyone elses (:.

well... uhm... i just got accused of Doing Weird Shit. and like... whatever... but like... i just wish people were less immature about things? i am genuinely concerned with peoples lack of maturity. i feel like... idk. i dont think ive had a such a genuine issue with someone that like, i go out of their way to make them feel uncomfortable on a regular basis... idk MAN. i just wish people who hav issues with me would like, either leave me alone or try to talk about it. like i honestly do not care either way but like... its so annoying because it just gets so messy and stuff and like. idk? what fun do u get out of that... its such like, a childish way to go about things lmfao. i do not have the energy to keep tabs on drama and stuff.

but whatever. i honestly do not really care. today i worked and it went by faster than it haz been. i need more podcasts and shit to listen to bc... i had this one that was so funny and made work so enjoyable and i literaly watched every episode so now i hav nothing and days go by faster. i listen to these like... self help ones sometimes and theyre nice but YAAAAAAAAAAWN KIND OF BORRRRRRRRRRING. idk. i might start like audiobooks or smth? idk. i need something else though. i played a lot of toontown today :3 i finished... i forgot the name of the playground bc THEY CHANGED IT TO SMTH COMPLICATED. BUCANEERS BOULAVARD? OK NO ITS BARNACLE BOATYARD. i finsihed that playground! i just rly gotta start working on the kudos ones at ttc, and idk if bb has kudos tasks too. but i also have to finish the side tasks they have. i chose sound for my 4th gag track! i already got it to level 2 :) and also i started ye olde toontown which has such a cool design. and then i played chess asnd checkers and uno and golfed with slicky. which was fun. except he won at CHECKERS AND CHESS BUT IT DOESNT COUNT BRECAUSE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAGTS GOING ON IN THOSE GAMES.

hi ^_^ for some reason i feel like reflecting today on how ive been. ive just been. so great honestly. i feel like im rediscovering how everything used to feel before i got so depressed in 6th grade. everything just feels so awesome and beautiful. when i feel sad, i dont feel suicidal anymore or want to hurt myself. and i treat myself very well to the point where i dont even have to force it or remind myself to be kinder. life is so beautiful and i keep falling in love with everything and everyone. everyday i find something so beautiful or find someone so endearing and i just really love everyone to be honest. im doing well. i dont even know if this is well honestly, im just. stable. im very stable right now and its all i could ever ask for.

uhhh. still hav work though. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. TODAY During my break though my friend from elementary school GAVE ME A FREE SANDWICH OH MY GOD AND A FREE DRINK AND I FORGOT I HAVE CHIPS AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH yes. he gave me a FOOTLONG LIKE HOLY CRAP I COULDNT EAT IT ALL BUT FOR SOME REASON I FELT OBLIGED? i... ok i didnt. maybe. i ate like. 6/10 of the sandwich. maybe like 6.5? or 7? IDK. ok i ate it tho and it was so goodddddddd and i got a sprite i forgot. i got a sprite oh my GOD I NEED TO STOPPPP DRINKING SODIE POPS! ok i barely do. but i shouldnt have today. i knew better.

this was just kinda a random thought in my head today and it was. bouncing around in there and i had to get it out somewhere. i hate like, when someone's style is so so just... i dont know the word. its not basic. because at least basic people are like, mostly aware that they're basic? theres some people who. dress in a certain way that is just so... obviously trend focused. there is no ounce of originality. like ok, i hate the term so much but like, the male manipulator clothing style or whatever. affliction clothes, baggy jeans, etc. i see so many dudes like that recently. and a lot of them have this sort of attitude that they are top shit and like being completely original, but. it is just such a fucking trend. theres nothing original about your copy and paste outfit that i can find someone else wearing within like 30 minutes. its just. so annoying because these type of people think they are genuinely so original when they all act the same even down to like, their stupid little poses and shit. i dont know. i just hate trend culture so much entirely. i hate how everyone is like in these small little boxes and stuff. its so boring dude. its so boring to meet the same guy over and over with the same music taste. i dont knowww. its just so dumb. everyone looks the same

but yeah. i worked today. it was slow today so i didnt stress much. and i played toontown. which was fun. i leveled up my squirt and zap ^_^ trying to learn how to draw duck shuffler. hes rly hard to draw... he has such a complex design. but. i will try. heheheheheehuehuehuheuhuhgeuheughguehguehgeuhgeuhgeughe. i love him so much.

Hi im going tjrough toontown brainroti love toontown os much i lvoe playing toontown it is so awesome. I love corporate clash I love duck shuffler so much. OH MY GOD. OK SO LAST YEAR THRE WAS A DUCK SHUFFLER PLUSH FOR 30 BUCKS. AND LIKE. OH MY GOD. IT RESELLS FOR 300. and. im so tempted dude. FUCK MAN. okay. i wont do 300 probably, but. i am planning on asking for maybe from 100-200? i wouldnt mind spending within that range. 300 IS A LITTLE TOO FAR. BUT LIKE. 150? ok. whatever. price of like a switch lite but whateve.r. UGHHHHH BUT LIKE IM ALSO SCARED IF THEY LIKE RERELEASE IT THEN ITS GONNA BE RLY DUMB OF ME THAT I BOUGHT ONE LIKE I WILL ACTUALLT FEEL SO STUPID. ehwteve.r i will think it is thinking time. hrmmmm.

also yah i worked today it went by good i guess. i had a smoothie for my break which was very yummy. uhhh thays all i plakyed toontown. i got to level 4 throw!!!! which im so happy abt. ANDDDD DUDE THIS GUY I MET LIKE, HE WAS SO NICE AND LET ME KNOW I HAD TRAINING POINTS LMFAO. I HAD BEEN USING Just throw and squirt for a few days and i had no idea i could get another gag track and prestige my throw. i got a few buildings done with him it was so fun!!

haiii! today was so awesomw^_^ MAX CAME at around 2ish and we spent the day cuddling n we finished helluva boss!!! we spent most of the day talking n cuddling and shdfbsjfndkjfnsdf aaa GODD NSKJFBSKHFBLSJFnSAFKADJAIOSFJDF I THINK I LIKE RLY RLY LIKE HIM FUCKKKK AFNJDSFNAOKLFNKADMLKFNKF LIKE I RLY DOOO AFJDNFKJDBSFHBAFJHNFA OH MY GODDD DSFJKSNFKJNAFLKJFLAKDS SKDFJNDKFNKDfn im just JSFNSKDFSK LIKE AHJHHHH TODAY LIKE I. i actually felt so so comfy being close to him which. i never feel comfy touching or being close to literally anyone. NKJSFDNFKSFM and i felt like so... tje opposite of uneasy, i felt so happynskjnfjksndfsdlf. ughhhfjdnfkjdsnkfdsc and like i kept looking into his eyes nsfknsdfkamflk and i felt so embarassseddfmdlkSJFSDOFJAIOJRSKJFSNDOFKS I CANT DO THIS AAANJAKJFNDFJANFLKMGKJSDFNISF SFNSDIONFHSJGNSDILFMSLGNSDINFGDKGNKJN omg omg nafkjdsnfkdjsfnsdbfajfbaj and his outfit was so SO CUGTE TODAYFHDNKJFNDKJFNKJNAFNA ANDNAJDNDFJKSNFJSDF BLHSDIFHSIUFHSIUFHB SIFHN AFKJNDSKFJAFO NHDSF AOMG ICANT NSJFKDSJFAIJFAf AHAHAHAHHAHGHGHAHGAHGAHGAHGAGHAHGAGHAGHAGHHAGGHAGHAGAGH OMG KGMSFKGNSJKNmOPFJsiONFOISFNGONAF OAHHAHBAHDHGAHJSAJHAFJA AND HE BROGUHT ME REESESSS AJKFDNJFKNS AND BLATHERS PLUSHIE MKFJKAFANF I LVOE NKGJFNSDFKJSNFKDSN HAHAHAHSHEHGAGHEAEGHHEG OH MH Y GODFDDJSFJEHSBFJHSNFJSDFNKS OMGGG AHAHHJAJKEJADHJADBFHJNFSJKNFSJN OMGGG HEUAHEUHAUEHUHAEUHEUHHA. HEUHUEHEUHEUHE. HEEEEEEEEEEEEHAHEUHUEHUEHAUHEUAHUEHUEAHUEHEUHA. i. hry. ok.

sex. SEX. SEXADJOAISDJAISUDFHNAISFHSKFHASKJDAKJSD ADHAIDHADHA ODASKJFDKFJNA I ALMSOT CAME JUST FORM PENETRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEAIUHIAUSHIUHDIAUSDJAIUWHEANIUHNIDUHNAIFNAKFJSLDKASK OMG IT FNMSJFNKDSJFNAKJDN IVE IM SO HAPPY HES SO HOTTT AHUAHAUHFIUAJHFKJSDHFNDKSJGNSFKJSLFS. AAAAAAAAAAAHHAUHUHAUHAUAHHHAHAHA DUDEDEDUEDUEUDEUDEUD HES SO PERFECT DURING SEX OTS LIKE DANG. WOW. HEH. HEY. AHAUAUAHUHAHDNASKJFNDJBFAFHBADJFA. um. i had a crying moment. COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO HIM LMFAO, i just started thinking of past sexual experiences that were awful n. i felt my heart drop and i felt like super on edge after thinking abt it ):, i really wish i didnt force myself to have sex for years, it was so bad for myself ): nfjdfnskfmkfnsk but i ended up okay. i just had to take breaks n stuff. qhaqhahaha. DUDE BUT. I HAVE NEVER ALMOST CAME??? NFKFNSDKJFNKJFKDSNF im so overjoyed ...

other than tht, we built the lego set :333 it came out so so cute. im so so happy and thankful i met max, he is like genuinely so nfjdhjgbsgjsngksd. ughhh. i hate feeling so sappy and stuff but ngjksnfkjdsnfdslfsdjfks. ugh. i do wanna date him but im justr so scared that im??? idk.jfksnfkjsdnflksnflnnl that i havent spent enoiugh time being single ): snkfsdfklsmf like ok, b4 i used to be like scared bc i thought it was like, completely brushing off how serious my last relationship was, but i think that was while i like. still wasnt rly over it. cuz like now idgaf LMFAO. but like omfg. ughhh. im just so scared of likenfskjfnsfanfk because then im gonna be SAPPY AND INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE. I HAVENT RLY DONE THAT IN LIKE A YEAR EVEN WITH MY LAST PARTNER. AND ITS LIKE OH GOFFJNFSJFSKJDDS???????? like i dont know mkldsfnskjnfkjandakd. ughhh. fkjnskfnfksnf i dont knowww aaaaaaaa. i just already miss him so much. he stayhed so long it made me so happy i rly didnt want him to leave :(. GOD I FEEL SO CRINGE I HATE. UGH. ITS SO LIKE/???? AAAFJSDNFDSHGBHJSFBDSJFNDS I FEEL SO DUMB.

ALSO yea we wnet to winco and ordered a pizza it was pretty good:3 i miss him a lotttt): im sad i work the entire week 4-8 so i dont rly have time to see him until the weekend:( but i might talk to them abt my schedule still!

UGGHGHH my. intrusive thoughts get. so easily like. LIKE ITS EASIER FOR ME TO BELEIVE THEM while im pmsing, which is so frustrating, bc like, i am literally like. so aware of it getting rly bad. ITS LIKE FUUUCKK STOP DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but its okay, im getting better tbh! other than that, still feel pretty yucky. thank god i havent had to work :) so ive been happy. i relaxed all day mostly! i got oreos for myself and. ate them with my almobnd milk... hehehe. i dont work tmrw either:) i might be going either to mopop with everyone or just hanging otu with max. my social battery is very low still no matter what... hhhh so im. like. i forgot the word I DONT KNOW IF I USE IT RIGHT EVER. PREEMPTIVELY? i am preemptively feeling very tired. but i know i will feel better probably? idk. if its mopop i esp dont wanna go rn tbh, but i also know it would b super fun... i just feel like resting dude. idk. also hoping my period doesnt start tmrw...for....reasons. ;))

ALSO. I FUCKING JUST REALIZED NOW. I USED TO LIKE. START MY BLOG TITLES WITH "ON" BUT I HAVET DONE IT IN A WHILE???? AND I HAVENT REALIZED IT????????? ok its not that big of a deal but like it was kind of my theme. idk why i just realized today. but anyway speaking of my websitr!!! im gonna def try n work on it more... i wanna get the my love and music section done this week hopefully :)

ALSO... need to write my duck shuffler x reader fic.... o3o. IM SO EXCITED!!!!!!! i just dont rly know how to start it... like at all. like in what situations would a toon get into sexual relations with a cog... its qutie tricky. ALSO I DONT EVEN KNOW MOST OF HIS LORE??? mayve i need to like read more. but yes...heheeh. idk, i kinda want it to be fluff too. like idk i want one where hes actually like a really nice silly guy and like buys the reader flowers or something or like.IDK. HEHEHEUEHDSJFJFDBJFNDFkSNFKJDSNFKJSDF i love him so much but then. i also want a part where he like angry fucks us??? but also realizes that he cant because he finds the toon too sweet and cute and aftercare and AAAA HEHEHEHEJAFNJKANDJKAD MAYBE A TOTAL OF 2 FUCKS. THROUGHOUT THE STROY one is the semi angry fucking and the other is like. fluff soft fucking EHHEHEHEH. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW IT WOULD LEAD UP TO THATTTT. gna read some fics 4 inspo... e3e

also...happy homestuck day i guess. tje very thing that fried my brain since i was like 8 or 9 years old. was it 8? idk... maybe 9? dude THAT WAS WAY TOO EARLY TO READ HOMESTUCK WHAT THE FUCK? IM NOW THINKING ABT IT. DUDE. I WLULD NEVER LET A FUCKING 9 YEAR OLD READ HOMESTUCK. ID BE LIKE NO PLEASE DUDE ID RATHER HAVE YOU WATCHING SKIBIDI TOILET ON FUCKING YOUTUBE SHORTS THAN HOMESTUCK. actualyl? well idk if 8 year olds are watching skibidi toilet rn. i dont know what an 8 year old would be doing rn. cuz like, when i was little, i was like the weird one bc i was obsessed with like the internet and stuff. like i was always playing computer games like toontown, wizard101, roblox, etc, but it wasnt like as easily accessable or like pandering to kids like it is now i guess. anyway. i think i discovered it waaay too young. I DID NOT NEED TO BE A HOMESTUCK FAN AT 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it made me INTO THIS FUCKING LOSER!!!!!! LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GREATEST JOY IS READING DUCK SHUFFLER FANFICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE AWFUL TIMELINE!!!!!!!!

im kidding. kind of. idk.

hi. im so tired today (like always) BUT. IT WAS MY LAST DAY OF THIS HELL WEEK!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOO! i have the weekend off! and from now on im NOT WORKING 35 HOUR WEEKLY SHIFTS!!!!!!! YEAH BABYYYYYYYYYYY

however. they fucked up my scheduling, idk if they didnt get my availability but. they completely fucked it up sadly... which is. frustrating. because now i have to goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo and probably let them know! hey by the way u guys fucked up my schedule! which is very scary i hate. having to tell them that wlell its not scary bc its just annoying bc. i know once i say that im gonna be added to their list of little inconviences they ahve to take care of and like idc but i just feel bad bc i dont wanna bother them rly but i wish they were more organized about thsi kind of thing. oh well.

my dog is . doing okay/well. the cbd has been helpign her relax a lot, so shes been kind of her usual self. i feel so bad for her though and sometimes i wonder if she knows shes going to pass away soon, and i wonder if that makes her afraid or anything. or if she feels sad that her time is nearing. i just hope she doesnt feel sad or frustrated or anything. idkkk

feeling so tired and lonely. im not really sad about feeling lonely anymore, but i miss coming home and hanging out by a partner. even then i was such a shitty person in front of them and i probably still would be. i hate how i do that. whenever im with someone i care about so much i just. get progressively more shitty and i hate it. i hate it so much its so dumb i hate being so hateful all the time and mocking everything they say i just. and im so scared that this is just who i am and my true self or whatever. like im truly just this big blob of hate and it comes out with people im close with and its so stupid i just wish i wasnt like this. i hate how im so scared of being vulnerable or taking a chance or experiencing new people i just i cant do it, i hate people i hate getting to know somoene ughhhhhhhhhhh everyone's little things just bother me i wasnt meant to be with anyone probably

ok. well thats enough self pitying. and being dramatic. plz god help me sovle why i cant be emotionally intimiate without feeling like pure disgust and like................................ weirded out....

auaaugh okay i am abotu to start my peripod and. ive just been cramping and spotting on and off and ahgghgh and i. woke up so so fatigue today and was rly rly tired during work, like actually exhausted. i forgot how awful it is to cramp during pms/actual period, its so tiring and just. awful. i also didnt have any earbuds (or my debit card to buy earbuds) so i was just. working in silence while feeling so sleepy which sucked. but. i got through it. tomorrow i talk to my manager abt my availability bc she wasnt here again today. tbh, i forgot if whether or not shes nice, but im hoping she is and it doesnt become. an interrogation about why i cant work certain hours and stuff. im pretty sure im gonna be scheduled this weekend which sucks bc i got invited to go to mopop this sunday with rhi and logan and max ): im hoping i at least am not scheduled on sunday. tomorrow is my last day of this hellish work week of 35 hours. holy shit. but i made it. honestly, it is not that bad, but i do not need this much money at all. i really only need 3 days a week to save up some money for extra food and stuff for when i go to college. and also, the only stuff im buying in these next few months is probably just new clothing that i actually like. i gave away most of my clothes now, and ill only be buying stuff that i think is rly awesome. no more shitty casual outfits... only swagger.

i hav been. so horny. n dick deprived. that is all. also the duck shuffler from toontown is so sexy i love him. n also i want angry sex so bad. i wanna get rly pissed at someone and tjen fuck the shit out of them. would be hot. wink wink nudge nudge. that is all.

todau mu step grandparents came over^_^ it went rly well. tjey made cupcakes for my brothers birthday which i had no idea it even was? lmfao... but i had a bunch. tjey were so yumcore!!then i went to like tje store bc we had to go buy dinner n stuff. and i made my diy pizza!!! i relaxed a lot today :) im happy. then i played TOONTOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN wjth my frienf slick. i. havent played toontown in so lonf. i love it so mucj i am so happy im getting into it again. i used to love it a lot when i was little. like it was all i'd do. j alwaus return to it its so silly

feeling slightly distant from everyone... not really cause im like. mad specifically but. im abt to have my period so.... i dont. rly like talking to ppl rn. i hav work tmrw boohooo. i think i decided on 3 days a week! my mom kinda knocked some sense into me that these ppl dont matter bc she worked at a retail job for 25 years and was left with no friends and nothing and it all didnt matter. so i was like. oh yeah... i really dont care what they think......

today was good! shortest day i work this week. it went pretty well, its pretty slow on tuesdays. they asked if i could stay longer but. i coulndt OKAY. i wanted to come hoem and relax so bad. i have tomorrow off im so happy. but my... step...??? grandparents r coming over tomorrow. but they arent staying for long. theyre giving me a check for when i have to put down sophia, which is so sweet because my mom is struggling so bad with money. sophia has been well! the cbd oil is acting as a great pain med and we havent had to give her the actual medicine as often :3 im so happy. OH YEAH today i went to dicks (haha fat nuts name ahaha balls dick penis too)! and it was yumy. THERE WAS. THE CUTEST LABRADOR THERE :) i love labradors, theyre so pretty and friendly. it was so so cute, the owner let me pet him :). overall today was pretty uneventful. im just happy that i get to rest tmrw and do nothing. this has been a very long week and im. very. happy. to say the least about fixing this schedule bc.......this is way too much loool.

im about to start my period so. ive been very grumpy and passive aggresive. i dont know. how to stop? because like, i myself can never tell if im like genuinely angry or if its just my pms. its harrrddddd. like when im pmsing, i start like taking everything extremely seriously. and i start being like. ok is this a genuine reaction or am i just being a grumpy guy. idk. i gotta start like differintiating the 2 or else i will never have a bf/gf ever again in my life.

last night after i wrote here i cried a lot. it was that time of the month. where i go and find the saddest madoka and homura edits. and i cry about everything. i also cried about thinking of my dog dying for like half an hour. because im gonna miss her so bad. i am mostly over a lot that has happened the past year but. i dont know. sometimes i just. need to like get it all out again LMFAO. i am so homura. everything that i have felt has been so laughably tragic that i think it is. pretty to look back on occasionally. my feelings and everything were and are just so intense and dumb and i made such silly decisions. and im so thankful to even be able to feel such awful things because i also feel such joyful things and. i am just happy to be sad i guess. i miss a lot of people and things right now, i guess. while i work sometimes i do a certain thing and i get like. a rush of just. old feelings and smells and perceive things like i did before.

i think if this was me a year ago, id want to hurt myself so bad after feeling all of this. because when i think back and feel on old things, i feel such an insane amount of guilt that i just want to hurt myself so bad. i hate feeling like ive done something wrong and awful and all i want is for people around me to be happy. i hate hurting others so bad. i hate saying cruel things to people. and a part of me hates that im not so self destructive anymore. i feel like i should be feeling awful and wanting to hurt myself, like its a punishment and i deserve it completely. i just hope that everyone i dont talk to anymore knows how much i still care about them and hope theyre okay and i just hope everything is okay. and i hope that they know that i tried so hard. i just wish they knew how much i tried. i do genuinely try so much and ive always said that and its such a dumb excuse for everything i do but i just hope that like, people know that i do genuinely try. i mean ive gone to therapy for years now and done medication and. most of my free time is literally just me reading on how i can be less of an asshole 101. sometimes i hate myself for feeling better, and handling things more maturely, because i genuinely still feel like someone like me shouldnt be able to recover. i feel like someone like me should just keep digging themselves into an awful hole where eveyrone ive talked to can just. laugh at me for being so stupid and see how much happier they are without me. AUUGGGHHH. okay. see. i hate venting because like. i feel so cringe at everything i say. like thats so gay. i dont know, but it is how i feel. i hate being able to get myself out of such awful crisises because. i feel like i should not. have that much kindness towards myself.

anyway, in a more positive form of thoughts, i am just really thankful recently for all of my emotions because theyre so pretty and make me feel so human. i love being a human so much. i love other humans and learning about other humans and just humans i love humnan.

...ANYWAY... thinking abt a loser gf. i want a gf who is such a dumb dweeb and likes anime and had a danganronpa/undertale phase. and shes weird and unsettling. like that would be so cute 4me. i would literally marry her. also. ive been thinking. i am so much more patient with women. like idk, if a guy does something dumb or is lazy and stupid i get rly pissed at him. but if a girl is im like. aww u little thing. its ok. dont worry. bc i know being a woman js already hell like. women r allowed passes. idk. that will probably change if i ever date a girl :/... bruh moment.

today went rly well. it went a lot smoother than yesterday! i had an okay day even though my like earbuds died halfway ): which sucked fart holes. my coworkers r still rly nice!! im getting better at talking to ppl :) i think my autism just gets rly bad when im meeting new ppl. which is very concerning for when i go to college in september...................... OH WELLLL. i hav been trying to decide my new availability... i might opt for either 3 or 4 days, im not sure. i want to do 3 obviously bc... 4 days off sounds really nice. but like. if i do 3 idk. idk i just feel bad. i wanna work more to help tjem BUT I SHOUDLNT CARE ABOUT THAT BC ITS WALMART ITS NOT A FUCKING. SMALL BUSINSESS THEYU DONT CARE ABOUT ME.

i have like. begun going towards my hateful days again... i am making sure to like. stop it though this time. bc when i start being a hater i get depressed and then i want to kms and its all rly rooted in the fact that im angry and a hater. I HAVE TO KEEP LIKE REMINDING MYSELF THAT. BEING A HATER IS NOT MY NATURAL STATE IT. HAPPENS WHEN IM STRESSED OR ANGRY OR TIRED. AND I SHOULD RESOLVE THAT ISSUE BEFORE LIKE SEEING PEOPLE AS A WHOLE AS ANNOYING. because i literally start hating every single person ever and erveyrthing everyone says i roll my eyes at like jesus i get so insufferable

ive been trying to decide something recently and. on my really good days im like, so happy and excited and want to do it, but on my bad days im just. so tired and i want to be alone forever. or i just get annoyed at myself or everything and dont bother thinking about it and want to throw everything away ever. not as dramatic as that but its how i feel basically.

idk, people in general have just been like pissing me off recently too...i think its just because i started working and. ofc im gonna be tired and irritable and everything especially on my first week. but like ughhh. it just comes so naturally... my HATRED TOWARDS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but idk. i will talk to max about it and hopefully feel better. i need him to like. spray me with a water bottle whenever im being hateful or mean... ugh. i also started thinking today on how like i shouldnt let anyone get close to me because im just goign to disappoint them or make them feel bad. dude. i have been feeling that way a lot recently. like when someoen wants to be friends with me i just. feel really bad because i know that once they actualy get to know me they probably wont wannt to be around me. bc... heh. im weird. im a weirdo. I DOT FIT IN. I DONT WANT TO FIT I

my dog is doing well these past 2 days though thankfully (: im so happy for her. we started giving her cbd oil for her nerves and stuff and pain/tumor growth and i think its helped at least a little (: shes a very. slightly anxious and quiet dog so i think it works very well on her.

i had. my first day of work today WGOOHOOOOOOOO!!! it was not as bad as i thought it would be definitely. it actually went pretty good! i had like. an anxious episode around halfwayish through my shift but. i did it. 8 HOUR SHIFTTT YEAAHHHH. my next shifts arent this long thankfully which is nice.

i am just happy to have an income once again... n also having a job kinda like. idk? at least for me like. i dont rly take dumb drama from weird ppl anymore cuz... all i can realize is like. how much time someone must have on their hands to be like such a whiny retard lmfao.

ive kind of been like that for a while actually... tjere r some situations where like tje other person was like clearly looking 4 me to like... care about certain things but like. i just do not care Honestly. like if u dont want to talk to me or dont want to solve an issue why would i have to care ... drama is so boringgg and immature...

i dont know how some ppl have like... that much time to like feel that much hatred and anger. nothing is more like... genuinely cringe than someone being actively rude 4 no reason lmfao. like jesus christ dude

but yeah :3 a few of my coworkers said welcome back to me!! everyone was rly nice. i was a little intimidated yesterday bc of the evil hr but today i rememebred it's really just him. my managers are all really nice rn :) thankfully. i just struggle a lot with. being awkward... i dont know why......???????????????? i think. okay. i had this notion that like hahaha im so awkward at work. but like the more i go out and meet new ppl... im so fucking awkward????????? but like. im not if im talking to someone like. im interested in romantically????????????? i dont know how that works. i just suck so bad at genuine platonic relationships. i really have to force myself to like. work on friendships. i dont know whyyyyy it sucks. like i just never really. care about forming them. but like the ones i do have i enjoy... its just like starting small talk or whatever i dont see a pointttt so i dont rly put effort towards it so i come off really retarded. or. that is just cope and i am a stupid socially awkward retard

i dont think anything i just said had any meaning... oh yeah :) max woke up at 9 today with me which was so so sweet. like genuinely aaaaa... i really care about her so much like more than anything and i miss them. AND TJEY GOT THEIR EARS PIERCED TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYY AHAHAHAHAH THEY LOOK SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! next i want tjem to get a septum so i can turn them into my edgy goth girlfriend... its all going according to plan.

haiii!!! i finally went back to my work today to talk to human resources abt going back to work. he was rly rude today sadly ): but. eh i dont rly care, i remember ppl i knew who worked here would call him rude too so... i think hes just kind of like that. but anyway, i finally got scheduled for next week! i start tomorrow. they scheduled me 35 hours this week which is kind of insane... im kind of worried because i havent worked in a while ): and im scared that im going to be really exhausted. but. he let me know that they dont take paper availability forms anymore... in a very rude way, and i was like ??? Ok??? my manager literally told me to turn it in thru paper lmfao. like i got it printed out like that... ??? but whatever. i used to not take. like bosses seriously and stuff and like i know i still shouldnt but like. now that i think im more like mentally present everywehre than i used to be im like... more effected by it than usual lmfao. but yeah. 35 hours... i am very nervous but. i believe in myself!!! im hoping that this week goes at the very least okay. i just gotta turn in my e availability form when i can so i can cut down to 30 hours.

still spending time with my dog... i love sophia

today was so awesomw.... like one of the funnest days ive had in a while. i went to party city and ulta after i woke up and finished my chica cosplay:3 aftr that i came home and extra hurriedly put it together:3 n then i met up with rhi and her new friend zoe!! she was so so nice. theyre having a sleepover i wish i couldve came :(

we took the bus to seattle n navigated towards thr fnaf show... hit on 3 times by very very much older men. its so weird how men just do that... like dude its so scary as a woman to be approached by a guy lmfao. it was so cool inside!!we got there as soon as the music was abt to start. this was like, my first lik real show. it was so fun!!! the music was pretty good and it was fun dancing along with everyone :3. the mosh pit is like, so much funner thsn i thought it would b... it was so fun. i barely got overwhelmed today somehow :)

after the bands played, we went to this like... boujee ish fast food place. all of the ingredients were like strictly chosen from farms. there was this like weird milkshake and the whipped cream had like this weird texture cuz it was like. homemade healthy version but it was so good...then rhi saw a mouse. LMFAO. the show gave us like party hats and we were wearing them, and the workers thought it was one of our birthdays and offered a free shake and more fries which was so cool of them!! even tho it wasnt our birthday lmfao.

after that we went to qfc nearby! capitol hill is rly pretty at night. i also luv that part of seattle, its very gay lol. a lot of pride everywhere n so many rainbow sidewalks :) i got me and max some cookies for when i see him next. then we got hit on one last guy who seemed very intoxicated asking us if we like black boys. lmfao

today was just so cool. im so so proud of myself for gettubg out of my comfort zone like that. i hop i can continue to keeo pushing myself :)) im so happy i met zoe too again shes so cool!!

things are not getting better with my dog sadly:,) she was crying again. i dont know, its just so hard. me and my mom talked abotu how its probably time to put her down, as soon as tomorrow or saturday. which is just a literal nightmare.

i feel a little more at peace about it if thats possible, the day before i was just so fucking scared and miserable but. now i just dont want my baby to be in so much pain. she did fine during the day somehow and was still pretty jumpy but. u can just tell. and as much as like me and my mom wish she would pass away peacefully in our home i dont think it will happen. i dont know. tomorrow we're going to the vet to see what they think. money is just really really awful right now with my mom but hopefully we have enough.

ugh everything is just awful right now related to her. i cant imagine life without her truly. i guess we'll see what happens though:,)

other than that, ive just been playing more animal crossing. today i also made a little chica cosplay for the show tomorrow:3 im rly excited. im going with my friend rhi and another one of her friends:) it sounds so awesome!!

last night my dog got a lot worse ): she woke up my mom from her crying and stuff. it was like 3am. and i went inside my moms room to go and hold my dog. and she was just crying. and i felt so awful and sad. i really thought she was going to go last night. i couldnt stop myself from bursting into tears, even though it was in front of my mom. i was so scared for her. my mom tried comforting me but i dont know i hate being comforted by her it makes me feel uncomfortable. i took her into my room and tried to make her feel comfortable. i was textng max and stuff the whole time. but its just so hard. its really difficult for me to be vulnerable, i just feel so stupid whenever i cry in front of anyone, because i dont want them to feel uncomfortable or anything. it was really dumb, but i also started really missing somebody that i used to talk to a lot with a lot of my issues. i can say confidently that im over that situation and i have moved on like, 100%, but for some reason last night. i just really wanted him to comfort me. because his empathy and ability to comfort me was just amazing, even if it probably wasnt the healthiest for the both of us. i wanted nothing more than for him to tell me its okay. it was so nice and so scary receiving that kind of love. something so genuine. i wanted to tell him everything that was happening, everything with my dog, i just wanted him to tell me that im going to be okay, because i felt every single one of his words purify everything awful i felt.

its so strange how some peoples empathy and stuff are very clearly different than others. i dont really know why it happens, ive had people who go through awful situations not being the best at comforting and people who have generally okay lives being amazing at it and vice versa. it really is maybe just a personality-wise thing. it just feels like some people are either highly sympathetic, like they feel bad for you and like can understand how u feel, and like, some people are just super empathetic and genuinely understand in great detail how you're feeling and how to help perfectly.

i think most people are very sympathetic, which is very nice and kind for a friend to have. someone who like, feels bad but is able to distract u easily. but when i feel awful i want nothing more than an empathetic friend or partner to just. understand it all and know what to do.

but yeah. the guy who used to help me feel better and stuff was probably the most empathetic person ive ever met, other than this girl that i dont talk to anymore. and it really sucks getting that kind of care and just. having it vanish. im really happy i met that girl even if me and her dont talk anymore, because it kinda showed me that. its not a 1 in a million chance sort of thing. and ive met a few more people like it recently.

i dont know how to explain it. i can really only recognize when someones inner life is so rich and beautiful and full of empathy and selflessness. i love selfless people. i dont know. people who are so selfless are so beautiful and kind. i love the feeling of talking to someone and realizing that they understand every little thing i say and feel.

but yeah. ): it was such a sad night, i thought that when i woke up she'd be gone. but then all of a sudden she got up to go back to my moms room :) i think the meds really help her a lot and im really happy they do. like i said before ill just keep focusing day by day with her. i brushed her hair a lot today and making her feel more comfortable and stuff (:.

other than that i played animal crossing! it was rly fun :3 i started playing a lot more recently, im actually super excited to make my island cuteee :3 i also had therapy today!! going to try and manage my ocd more :) she gave me a lot of hope today so im really excited to start using new skills and stuff.

ughghgghh.... its so funny ;lmfao yesterday i made. an entry about how i like. want to make an entry everyday and oh my godddd..... today was one of those days where i just dont wanna write anythinggfgfgf..... ugh it was just so stressful.

i had to do my moms taxes and she like, lost a large amount of money this year in returns and she was kinda asking me like why and like dude i dont know lmfao im not a tax expert. she ended up spending money for someone to go over it. it was so so stressful because im really worried about my moms finances now and my dad and his money and everythiinggg. i have to file mine soon. its rly not that bad, idk, idk why my mom always acts like its so insanely difficult, even doing it on ur own is pretty easy tbh.

my dog is getting really bad. idk... ugh. my mom today started discussing what we'll do once she passes or if shes in too much pain what we'll have to do. and god. its just so fucking hard. my mom said that dogs under 15 pounds can just be thrown away into the garbage. and it literally makes me feel so so awful thinking about that. i hate thinking about my dog dying so much. i cant believe that shes leaving me. ive had her since i was like 7 ): it sucks so bad. i really grew up with her. ive never dealt with a death or someone or something so close to me. and with her its just especially hard because she has such a big attachment issue with me ): uggghhh i dont want her soul to go into somewhere i cant even comprehend. i want to be able to keep her safe and calm her down if shes scared and if she goes i cant do that to her anymore and its what stresses me out most.

i guess i shouldnt really worry about that for now though. all i can do is focus on day to day and showing her as much love and care as i can, because i love her more than anything, the amount of love i feel for her exceeds worlds and every single universe and i want her to know that.

happy april!!!!woohoo!!!!!!! this year is actually going by pretty fast!! i gotta do a new image of the month and everything today. and i also had to think about what i was gonna do with past entries. i think this ltitle system works well. i think itll be cool to like, hav last months layout to remain there as well:) also, i have to say, im very surprised ive managed to be actually pretty consistent with the entries. i didnt know id be able to do it like... everyday for this long. but, idk. im hoping that maybe i can keep going like this for a while? i think even if there are some days that i dont want to do it i will just write a few words if anything. or a picture. hrmm... also, idk, i think this is kinda like a diary i guess? i dont think anyone other than a very pretty cute boy is reading this. but it has been nice to have a place to put my thoughts out. it helps me identify more easily if im doing something that makes me feel worse in the long run lol or like. idk. its just easier to rethink negative thoughts when ur typing them out. bc u can be like GRRRRRR I HATE MYSELF and then like realize okay what that is not helpful at all...

anyway, today was pretty awesome!!! pretty sunny day. i hung out with volex and we went to the mall for a bit. idk... i think ive maybe grown out of the mall? or maybe its not that... idk. it was a lot of fun cuz i was with my Baby Boy, but idk. i used to love going into hot topic but... i think my style has kinda changed from that i guess? idk... they still have pretty cute stuff but like. idk. like large fashion stuff like that kind of bores me now... i feel like shopping there kinda automatically puts u into like, a box and i hate feeling like that lol.

after that we took a few buses to kent. it was rly fun! it was really pretty out. we met up with our friend may for goodies. we went to a gas station near there and i got food :3 then after that when we came back to our city i got mod pizza. and there was these like... little cake thingies... i dont know... but i broke... i got one... it was okayi guess... i dont know... im ashamed.THEY WERE CALLED NO NAME CAKES. AND I COULDNT RESIST!!!!!!

i got a huge headache after being out in the sun): when it starts getting really sunny i get these awful headaches which sucks because i love the sun... but i start hurting after a few hours): im not rly sure why... it usually starts off pretty bad but then gets better. im gonna try to find some more solutions this year bc it sucks):.

anyway, ive kinda realized something that has made life a little bit better (:. i realized that our emotions dont define us at all. and like, i know, it sounds kind of stupid but like. my entire life when ive been depressed i kind of thought that. this is just who i am. this low mood and irritability and feeling sad and awful is just how i am. these negative awful thoughts were apart of me. i thought it meant something, i thought it was who i am, in a way it was keeping me so so hooked on these negative feelings because i thought letting go of them was letting go of who i was? i dont know. it was weird. but i realized that its not true at all(: and that everyone is so much more than negative emotions. when i feel anxiety or sadness its not who i am, its just emotions that are here to help me and arent bad things(:

idk, i guess maybe this is just something everyone knows already, but ive always struggled with big emotions:( but yeah! realizing this has made it much easier to detach from mean and evil thoughts because. i know that just bc im thinking them or feeling some type of way its true!!